Due to popular demand for this service1, we
are now extending this SPECIAL OFFER for
a LIMITED TIME!
Have you ever wished for a dragon of your very own?
Wish no longer!
Yes, folks, that's right, you can now ...
Rent a Baxil!
Over 75% Dragon Pure!2 Top-quality grade-A dragon!3 Quality certified!4
Baxil is child-safe, trained completely in English, and completely
house-broken! He's a great companion for all ages! And best of all,
For only a reasonable hourly rate5, think
of all the fun you could have ...
A dragon in your very own home!! WOW!
But not just any dragon!
Aside from having a big vaguely creepy helmet-noggin, Baxil has many special
talents, skills and quirks6 that make him
- Baxil's a computer programmer. This means
that someday he may be AS RICH AS BILL GATES!!!
- Baxil's a hot, testosterone-laden
studmuffin.7 Entertain the
- Baxil's got "3l337 9@m3r 5k!llZ." He can
kick your ass in all of the online multiplayer games that he's played.9
- Baxil's one of the leaders of a vast, unnamed
worldwide conspiracy. Think of the opportunities to influence
Western civilization! Or even Eastern, for that matter! Heck, he's
probably got orbital mind-control satellites above your head ...
GObeamingRENTyouYOURsubliminalBAXILmessagesTODAY... RIGHT NOW!
- Baxil's done embarrassing things before,
which can be great fun to tease him about. Go ahead, ask him about the
- Baxil's got a great sense of humor. See
his resume. (Not for examples of his
practical jokes, dummy. The resume ... oh, never mind.)
- Baxil's mildly squeamish.10
Have we convinced you yet?
No? Then let's list some of the other fun
activities that you can do with your very own Baxil...
- Have him answer e-mail! Even YOUR e-mail! IF YOU RENT
BAXIL, YOU CAN GUARANTEE THAT HE RESPONDS TO YOUR E-MAIL!!!
How's that for a deal?
- Get him to perform manual labor!11
That's right -- no more yardwork, cooking, or running around to play
Ultimate Frisbee for your P.E. class!
- Offer him soft drinks! Watch him recoil in disgust! Laugh at the look
on his face!
- Offer him chocolate! Watch him recoil in disgust! Laugh at the look
on his face!
- Watch a movie! That's right, for hours of RECURSIVE THRILLS, you
can rent Baxil, and then ask him to rent a movie! You heard me
right!!! Baxil will rent a movie for you!12
- Pester him mercilessly about his being stuck in a human body, and watch
him walk out the door!13
So order your Baxil today!
What're you waiting for? FILL OUT THIS FORM! Then print it out! Then take a photo of the printout!
Then use OCR on the photo and e-mail the results to this webpage! (If
you encounter technical problems while following these instructions, please
contact us via ICQ UIN (206) 555-2294.)
Footnotes, legalese, etc
This offer valid in all U.S. states, except for ones that don't border
Alaska. This offer valid in all foreign countries whose official language
is High Draconic. Not valid with any other offer. No cash value. Replace
every 3,000 miles. Odds of winning are [
limx->0 (0/x) ].
A report from Antwon of antwon.com that according to
his server logs, someone had reached his site by doing a search on Google for the phrase
"Baxil rental." But hey, it's consumer demand.
- Measured by the Draconity Purity
Test. Yes, I know that 75% isn't nearly as high of a score as some
people claim to have gotten. But I took the test seriously, not for some
ditzy online role-playing persona.
- In high school. College GPA ~ 3.7.
- Or at least certifiable.
- Meaning, you pay me. I'm not THAT
desperate for company.
- One-point GURPS disadvantages.
- Okay, maybe not.
- Okay, DEFINITELY not.
- An exhaustive list currently including, but not
necessarily limited to: "Half-life: Counterstrike."
- This is one of the "Quirks" mentioned above.
- Baxil reserves the right to subcontract.
- You'll still pay.
- You'll still pay.
- You may even rent Baxil for partial hours.
He's a mathematician! He can use his kewl math skillz to figure out what
to charge you!