It was reported
that they'd found some fossilized dinosaur footprints they think might be
the oldest yet discovered, and my first thought was: "How do they know
they're dinosaur footprints? How do they know they're not dragon
footprints?"
I READ the other day that archaeologists
had just come up with some new fossil finds. (The finds were new;
not the fossils. There's no such thing as a new fossil. It's a
contradiction in terms, like "easy monthly payments.")
It was reported
that they'd found some fossilized dinosaur footprints they think might be
the oldest yet discovered, and my first thought was: "How do they know
they're dinosaur footprints? How do they know they're not dragon
footprints?"
The section on
dragons in the World Book encyclopedia says, "Legends describe dragons as
large, lizardlike creatures that breathe fire and have a long, scaly
tail."
You may have
noticed that -- apart from the fire-breathing part -- that's a pretty
good description of a dinosaur. How can they tell from a footprint
whether the creature breathed fire or not? If an archaeologist studied
one of my footprints, I don't think he could even tell if I'd had
Mexican food for lunch.
I admit I may
be a little biased here, because I like dragons. I have always liked
dragons -- even from as far back as elementary school, when we read about
them in fairy tales and stories about knights.
They may be
dangerous, and they may go around breathing flames, and they may have a
face that would curdle lava, but I don't care.
What dragons
have is class. Of all the mythical monsters in song and story,
dragons are the classiest by far.
JUST ABOUT
ALL the other villains in folklore tend to be loutish, peevish,
vindictive or all three.
There isn't an
ogre in any story I ever heard who wasn't a certified lout, ill-mannered
and ill-kempt. He always looked as if he'd slept in his clothes, and
usually had the IQ of a coat hanger.
Trolls were
even uglier than ogres, and afflicted with a permanent case of the
peeves. They were always jumping up and down in irritation over
something, cultivating a lifestyle that was somewhere between a snit and
a conniption fit.
Witches were
just plain rotten. They never laughed; they cackled. Every one of them
looked like a driver's license photo, and took delight in watching people
suffer. Witches were sadists.
Dragons, on the
other hand, were never loutish or peevish or vindictive. Dragons were
upfront and direct. You always knew where you stood with a dragon.
Dragons came
right at you, like the old Pittsburgh Steelers. They didn't taunt or
whine or throw insults or torment anybody. They just let out a blast of
fire and smoke, laid back their ears and charged. If you were braver
than they were, and your sword or lance was quicker than their lunge, you
won. If not, you lost. You can't ask for anything fairer than that.
SCIENTISTS
CLAIM that, eons ago, the earth was struck by a giant meteor that
burned up plant life and darkened the skies. But maybe those fires were
started not by a meteor, but by a few dragons going around breathing
indiscriminately. Did those scientists ever think of that?
I don't mean to
put down scientists here. They're doing the best they can, considering
they weren't there when it happened, and, for all I know, they might even
be right in their theories.
It's just that
most of the mythical creatures we're saddled with are such clods that,
when one with a touch of exoticism and class appears, I'd like to think
that, at one time, it really did trot around the planet.
And if I can't
have unicorns, I'll take dragons.
This column was written by Ray Orrock <rorrock@angnewspapers.com> for ANG Newspapers of Pleasanton, Calif. Copyright Ray Orrock, 1999. Reprinted with his permission.
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